The conflicting needs of security and surprise

Are We Asking Too Much Of Our Spouses?
April 25, 2014

Psychotherapist Esther Perel argues that a good and committed relationship draws on the conflicting needs of security and surprise.

Can desire be sustained in the long haul?

Can we want what we already have?

Happiness: we made it first a possibility and today it’s a mandate

Adventure. Novelty. Mystery. Risk. Danger. The Unknown. The Unexpected. Surprise.

Reconciling our need for security and our need for adventure in one relationship, used to be a contradiction in terms.

6:47 So we come to one person and we are asking them to give us what once an entire village used to provide.

Give me belonging. Give me identity.
Give me continuity, but give me transcendance, and mistery, and all in one.
Give me comfort, give me edge.
Give me novelty, give me familiarity.
Give me predictability. Give me surprise.

This dilemma, between our need for security and our need for adventure, how we’re trying to bring them together under one roof, is maybe more a paradox that we can manage and less a problem we can solve.



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